This past December, I made a big, bold move and left my corporate job. This came after tuning into my intuition, paying attention to signs, and seeking guidance, and though I could have stayed a little longer, it was December. I began prepping for the holidays, and the end of 2017.
It was time.
In my mind, I envisioned taking the whole month off to simply relax, focus on self-care, do some creative planning and intention setting for 2018 in my life and biz, and luxuriate in some serious de-stressing.
Honestly, I did even less than that.
After closing the door on the corporate path, I felt myself being pulled between wanting to work on the creative planning and dreaming for my new year… and just binge watching videos on my couch.
Binge watching won every. Single. Time.
And I felt totally and utterly guilty.
Guilty for “wasting” my time doing nothing. Not even following through on the “self-care” agenda I planned for myself.
Logically, I knew it was okay to relax and do “nothing,” (though relaxing is definitely doing something!) but that doesn’t mean I could explain away the gnaw of guilt.
I deserved time off, but there was something in me that couldn’t enjoy it. Whenever I talked to friends, I felt I had to confess to them whenever I spent yet another day with mindlessly watching episodes of Suits and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel–– both of which are so good they shouldn’t even be defined as “guilty” pleasures, by the way.
As someone whose personal and professional focus revolves around self-care and putting oneself first, (the reason I left corporate? I’m now a full-time lifestyle and wellness strategist who provides visionary leadership for women who are sick of their own shit) I became perplexed. Why the guilt? Do I somehow think I don’t deserve to really unplug and just do what I’m feeling called to do, even if it’s mindless at times?
Shouldn’t I trust my instincts to unwind?
I once heard a TED Talk where the speaker shared that often, when women have an hour or so of free time, we’ll fill it up with tasks and chores. We’re trained to maintain the checklist mindset and accomplishing tasks on our to-do list, rarely considering giving ourselves permission to do nothing and simply relax.
Remembering this was a wake-up call.
I see the need to perform and do, even when I don’t need to. I even “tasked” myself with a self-care agenda! Yes, I was raised as a high achiever, but the moment I reset my life and realized how hard I really was on myself–– how I measured my worth by how much I was “getting done”–– was a game-changer.
What am I trying to prove?
To whom am I trying to prove my worth?
The thought of not being “good enough” runs deep. It pops up in so many ways that I didn’t even recognize when it began, and I’m sure it will continue to surprise me in the future.
It can show up in business, when I’m being told by experts that I need a certain system, strategy or structure. That I need to increase my email list and know who my ideal audience is.
What’s my branding? What am I about? Who am I talking to?
Yes, these are important questions, but I need to trust in my own truth and intuition. That it’s okay to just be. To go off the planned agenda.
As long as it feels pleasurable.
It’s also okay to let pleasure be worthwhile in itself.
December reminded me that tuning out for a little while was getting something done–– it was what I needed to de-compress. I just had to give myself permission and OWN it.
I admit I don’t have this down perfectly. But now that I’ve taken the time to recharge and get my feet planted on a new path, I’m a lot more capable of being aware of these thoughts and feelings that tell me I’m somehow not “good enough.”
The real truth?
They’re my thoughts, and mine to craft. My very presence here on earth is ENOUGH. My Beingness is enough. I don’t need to compete, achieve high goals for anyone else, unless it comes from a deeper place of nourishment and joy within myself.
There’s nothing I need to prove. Because, as it turns out, I’m the one calling the shots.
Corporate job? BYE. Netflix and Actually (Seriously, Though) Chill? Sometimes!
And that’s okay!
The next shot I’m calling? Stop “doing” for the sake of doing, and just be who I am in the present moment.
That, to me, is truly good enough.